


crossed out

by epoenine



Series: shut up, i'm getting to it [1]
Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Litany In Which Certain Things Are Crossed Out, Love Confessions, M/M, Richard Siken references, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-26
Updated: 2013-10-26
Packaged: 2017-12-30 14:04:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1019512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epoenine/pseuds/epoenine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Percy doesn’t let his mind linger on that anymore. Not the kissing, or the touching, or the whispering. He pushes everything away. Gets lost in the color of the water. Drowning.</p><p>Writes Nico’s name in the sand. Crossed out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	crossed out

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is based on Litany In Which Certain Things Are Crossed Out by Richard Siken from Crush.  
> Most things won't make sense, that's the way his poetry works.  
> I don't own anything. Thank you for reading!

Every morning, Percy wakes up and splashes his face with cold water. Every morning he bounces on the balls of his feet and gets ready for the day, silencing the voice in his head that tells him, _You will be alone always and then you will die._

That isn’t true, he tells himself, over and over. That isn’t true.

He has his mom, and Tyson, and then there’s Jason. He’s not sure if Nico wants to talk to him ever again, and Annabeth most likely wants to kill him. But he’s not alone. He’s not alone. He’s not alone. He swears he’s not.

The second part, well, that might be true. His pen could just not reappear one day. Ares could kill him. Hades could look at him with disdain and he could end up in the Underworld.

He’s not alone, but he could die any day. So he tries to push the thought from his mind.

Percy sits on the dock, and looking out to the water makes him feel better, but not quite, because there’s that horrible taste in his mouth from last night. The one that he gets when he hurts someone innocent, and last night that someone was Nico.

It’s not his fault, Percy keeps telling himself this. He had too much Nectar and Nico was there and that’s what happens. You make out with someone once and you forget about it. That’s what happens.

What doesn’t happen is Percy feeling horrible and guilty after. That’s not what happens.

Percy wants to take his mind off of it, so he sits on the dock and looks at the trees. The water nymph smiling at him in the lake. She sings, and it’s not really helping.

Bubbles come from under the water and her sweet voice breaks the air.

“Love on the water, love underwater, love, love.”

Of course it doesn’t help. That word puts that same taste in his mouth and he’s thinking about it again. He’s thinking about his lips on Nico’s and he feels flames heat up his face.

He hasn’t thought about the part where he pushed Nico against the outside of his cabin. He hasn’t thought about that, but he’ll get to it.

Percy will get to it, right after he thinks about Annabeth. She’s avoiding him, now, cold and bitter seeping in her words. That was expected, though.

Inside his head there’s the sound of a car crashing, an explosion, fire enveloping everything around him. Destruction, it blocks everything out and all he can focus on is the screaming inside his mind.

At least it isn’t the nymph singing of love, though. Except now it’s screaming and it’s Nico’s voice. Of course it’s Nico’s voice, screaming things that he’s already said.

Outside Percy’s cabin, Nico screamed at him. Percy remembers this. It happened right after they were pressed flush against the wall, kissing each other like their life depended on it.

“That--” Percy had said, his voice hoarse. “That never happened, we can forget it happened.”

“Of course,” Nico said, laughing his harsh laugh. “I’m just the guy you kiss and forget about in the morning. I’m just the guy who’s always looked up to you and you think nothing of it. I’m just the guy who’s been so pathetically in love with you and you just shrug it off. Let's forget it ever happened,” Nico whispered, not screamed, and he turned around, walking back to the fire.

No screams in his mind, a million voices whispering that over and over again in a broken voice.

Percy doesn’t let his mind linger on that anymore. Not the kissing, or the touching, or the whispering. He pushes everything away. Gets lost in the color of the water. Drowning.

Writes Nico’s name in the sand. Crossed out.

Percy doesn’t know if he’s forgiven. He hopes he is. Wants this to be the part where everyone is forgiven and he’s able to talk to Nico without emotion choking his throat and he’s able to talk to Annabeth without the bitter taste in his mouth.

He walks to the side of the lake, where he can splash his face and make the thoughts go away, wash out his eyes so he doesn’t see the images, doesn’t see Nico’s face entirely broken like it was last night.

Percy doesn’t know what love--no, not that word, because now the images come back--means to Nico. Doesn’t know that know one will want to fall in love with Nico’s bruised soul in case they break it even more.

He’s hysterical, really, on the walk back to his cabin. Percy doesn’t want to see Nico, doesn’t want to be reminded of anything right now, and he could laugh and cry at the same time and he makes it to his cabin without having to break down in front of anyone.

Percy climbs into his bed, looking out of the window to his right. He longs to be out there, breathing in not oxygen but water.

Focusing in on the lake, Percy thinks about how the night ended. Collapsing in his bed and hearing Nico’s footsteps echo across Camp Half Blood.

He doesn’t like that ending. It was the wrong kind of love--wonderful, that word again--and Percy wants to rewind and do it all over. There were some nice parts, of course. The kissing was pretty nice, and the grip Nico had on Percy’s hair was very nice, and the thigh between Nico’s legs were better than nice.

The only thing that wasn’t nice was the whispering.

So he wants a redo.

Or, he wants to be forgiven. But he and forgiveness aren’t exactly on good terms with each other, so. The best he can get is a redo.

Actually, no he doesn’t. If he went back in time, he wouldn’t know now that Nico is in love with him.

He wants forgiveness.

**Author's Note:**

> Again, thank you for reading! Find me on tumblr [](http://www.prouvairie.tumblr.com/>here</a>.)


End file.
